Chat Logs: When Charlie Becomes a GM, Seasons 1 and 2 Options

[Heathen]

AUTHOR'S NOTES: The actual fanfic starts three updates down. The first and second entries are just extras, and I highly recommend reading them first.

We might or might not use mature content in the future updates. If you cannot handle mature contents, I suggest you stop reading and quit the game as well.


CHAT LOGS
Season 1
_____________________________________________________________________________

We all have to start somewhere.

Starting is the hardest part of any job, life, or game. Very true. But trust me, it would be less harder if we know exactly, or less exaclty where.

So WHERE do we start?

Friend: Uh, so how do I start playing?
Me: What do you see there?
Friend: A computer.
Me: And...?
Friend: And...?
Me: The monitor as black as death. I think it's not turned on.
Friend: Oh.
Me: So?
Friend: Err... so?
Me: Eh?
Friend: EH??
Me: TURN THE EFFING COMPUTER ON FIRST, YOU PATHETIC, DEMENTED, CRAZY, LITTLE CREATURE! OH... MY... GOD?!

I almost considered stabbing my own eyes with barbeque sticks. Or setting my friend's clothes on fire--while he's still wearing 'em. Bloody mary please help me.

Lemme give you an example:

~> Start PC
~> Install the game
~> Patch up, patiently wait for 10 years or so
~> Then have fun.

Right?

NO.

Whoever said yes... Man. How did you learn to eat?

So before starting anything at all, make sure you have common sense first. Otherwise, you are about to crush the humanity and prevent the next generation from having a better living condition. Common sense, people.

This reminds me of my cute novice days-- raw, fresh and stupid. Young and naive, long before I believed that Philippine Ragnarok Online with its pathetic community should be rated R-18 for gore, hatred and explicit sexual references.

I politely approached a dude wearing an egg shell sitting like a moron. (God knows how I envied those shells before).

Me: How do I sit?
Egg dude: You're a novice, you have to reach a certain level.
Me: How?
Egg dude: Level up.
Me: How??


At that point, I was feeling the excitement. Excitement. EXCITEMENT!!


Egg dude: Get a manual.
Me: Why don't you just tell me?


Yeah, what's wrong with people those days?


Egg dude: The hell. ALRIGHT. Kill fifty porings or so... then sit!
Me: I didn't have to stab something as a baby when I learned to sit.
Egg dude: What's the matter with you??
Me: Nothing.


So I just shrugged, went off and killed "fifty porings or so..."

Still, I couldn't sit. So I went back to the Egg Dude still sitting like a complete moron. I thought I saw him smile when he saw me again... or not.


Egg dude: What now?
Me: I still can't sit.
Egg dude: You killed fifty porings?
Me: Or so?
Egg dude: Huh?
Me: Nevermind. So why can't I sit?
Egg dude: You clicked the thingy in that JOB SKILL window?

Alright. He was becoming very technical to a poor novice like me. Very cruel.

Me: What's that?
Egg dude: GET YOURSELF A FREAKIN MANUAL AND STOP TORMENTING ME!!!!

Well, that scared the hell out of me. I thought we could be friends. Good friends.

But not.

After ten hours of struggling for the ability to sit (meaning killing more porings, thinking it wasn't "fifty porings or so" enough) I was finally able to do the trick. Simple common sense. And reading the "freakin manual."

I didn't have to annoy egg shelled people.

I was level 12.

After a year, I've mastered the game quite well. And became friendly too. AND I HAD AN EGG SHELL TOO.

Hooray for me.

But one time, a novice came to me. And guess how our conversation went like.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Novice: Sir... how do I sit?
Me: Kill fifty porings or so...
Novice: How?

. . .

. . .

Me: OMG, WTF, GET A FREAKIN MANUAL AND STOP TORMENTING ME!!!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

What's the moral lesson here? If you are not planning to learn a skill called "HAVE COMMON SENSE" in the near future, please, for the love of God, keep yourself away from Ragnarok Online or any place with people and children.

Because it has gore, it has hatred, and it has explicit sexual references already.

We have fragile little children on board. It's raping their little minds.

The community is bad as it is, please do not add to the misery by being a headless moron with no pants running around Midgard, spreading the disease.

To be continued.

[Heathen]

OMG, where the hell is the delete button?

Anyway... this is the newest I got so far. My former fics (A Bus Ride Home and Uncontrolled Series) may be reposted upon request.

[Baphoring]

Reminds me of [GM]Dave!

Yay! (IMG:style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gif)

[Heathen]

As a newbie, one is afraid to get banned.

I asked my cousin what would happen if I do bad things in game.

Cousin: You won't be able to play anymore.
Me: How about my money? I paid to play... I think.
Cousin: Oh yes. But one wrong move and all of your dailyallowance is history. You'll get B-A-N-N-E-D.

Daily allowance. Gone.

People, I skipped my favorite snack everyday just to get a few doses of gameplay.

I was dead-afraid of getting BANNED.

Getting banned is like being grabbed by the balls and saying "GAME OVER, MATE." I remember this incident one time during my not so early days.

A newbie player gets pecopeco egg card from cracking pecopeco eggs (for over a month) near Morroc. He asks his friend how much that costs, friend tells him he's not sure but it is around a million bucks.

It really was, during my days. I dunno now.

Scammer: Sir, I think you are overpricing your items.
Newbie: Oh? How should I price these? I think I need some help...

At this point, mister scammer could already see a winning lottery ticket.

Scammer: Pecopeco egg card for 800k? You are in serious trouble here.
Newbie: WHAT? I'm sorry. What should I do?
Scammer: I think I have to ban you.
Newbie: Is that something permanent??
Scammer: As permanent as death, my dear. You commited a crime!
Scammer: I'm a game master.
Scammer: So unless you reduce the selling price to a hundred thousand, I have to terminate you.
Newbie: Pleasepleasepleaseplease nooo. I'll change it.
Scammer: Do it quick. Other game masters might see I'm letting you go.
Scammer: I might lose my job!

So newbie, a newbie that he was, changes the price to 100k.

Scammer: Let me buy it.
Newbie: REALLY?!
Scammer: It's way of helping new people in the game.

WOW. It really is a new way of helping people in the game. Fool 'em.

Newbie: Thanks... you are a very nice person. Thanks for helping me out.
Newbie: Don't worry I won't tell other game masters.
Scammer: Sure. *logs out*

But that's not the real story, people. There was a time in history when GMs were actually doing their job and not drinking in front of the workstations, if not doing something while watching porn. So a GM was doing his rounds when...

"POTA!! POTAA KAAA TAENA MO GAGUUUU"

It seems like dear newbie player has found out that he has been fooled.

RealGM: Excuse me sir, I am a Game Master. What seems to be the problem?
RealGM: You are using explicit words.
Newbie: GAMEMASTER KA DIYAN POTAAAANG INA MUUUUUU!!!
Newbie: potapotapota. ban mo pwet mo!!
Newbie: ,,l,, !!!

Well, action had to be taken. Newbie was banned out of the game and made a life of making good, loyal friends in real life. He had good grades in high school and teachers loved him (and made out with him.)

Newbie: RO SUXX naman eh.

Sometimes, getting banned is getting back to track. To the real world.

Not so bad, eh?

[Parusa]

nice.. ganda ng topic.. at totoo.

[`raf_demonic]

cool! nice view of the game..
Me kasunod pa?

[Heathen]

marami pa po. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)

[Parusa]

I can't wait.

[ThereSheGoes]

I love it!!!! (IMG:style_emoticons/default/wub.gif) wonderful, wonderful job! 2 thumbs up! You got me laughing (IMG:style_emoticons/default/happy.gif)

[Heathen]

What you've just read above are just mindless ramblings about familiar IQ crashes we see everyday. So let's officially start this thing, ok?

There are three things that CHAT LOGS will be dealing with from this point:

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

- First. Common sense is a must. 'Nuff said.

- Second. Ragnarok Online is not even close to the real life. Don't dare compare it. Before the latest patch where lazy people could level up by just talking to NPCs at the academy, you actually have to murder a thousand cute bouncing pink creatures before you could learn to sit.

- Third. While scammers always go to heaven, idiots, morons, and retarded people go to hell. No fail.

Also, please note that we will be using strong (and IQ dropping) language/conversations from time to time, as well as adult references. If you cannot take them, read no longer, stop at this point, and consider quitting the game too.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

EPISODE 1

Ragnarok Online.

Well, it was just an ordinary game before it became a turning point in my life. It was just a game, and I just played... and played...

...and played. Until that fateful day.

If destiny exists, it goes in awful ways. I was peacefully trying to level my swordsman up from 22 to 23 under the dark Byalan Islands when this conversation caught my attention:

Player1: Give it back.
Player2: Give it back? BACK?
Player1: YES. Give it back.
Player2: I don't think so.
Player1: I killed the Kukre.
Player2: I picked it up. You didn't. So it's mine.

Conclusion: Looting. PROBABLY, Player1 almost died battling this mighty kukre when it dropped a Kukre Card. He didn't pick it up so after 5 seconds, Player2 came and witnessed Player1's stupidity with his naked eyes so he picked the card up himself.

People, unless you are lagging or you don't have a real brain, it does not take you more than 2 seconds to realize that a Kukre Card has been dropped.

So... if I were the judge, Player2, the evil looter should be pardoned. He just taught Player1 to be lesser stupid. Right?

WRONG.

What went wrong? Well, what followed:

Player1: Please give me back my empty bottle. I killed it.
Player2: No. Way.

Oh is that right?

An empty goddamn bottle.
OH. MY. GOD.

ALRIGHT. On the spot, I decided that both parties should be shot five times in real life and be buried along with a thousand empty softdrink bottles. In memory of two kids who decided to make this world a living hell because of one, virtual, empty bottle.

Me: What seems to be the problem here?
Player1: He stole my empty bottle.
Player2: STOLE? You sonuvavitch, this wasn't even yours!

I tried to be nice, but it seems like my sense of being-mister-nice-guy is wearing off along with my IQ.

Me: Player1, if I give you a hundred empty bottles, would you stop whining about it?
Player1: No. I want my one and only empty bottle.
Me: Player2, would you just give the moron his empty bottle and I'll give you a hundred plus 20k.
Player1: I'm not a moron!!
Me: You are. Shut the hell up.
Player2: No. I want this bottle. THIS BOTTLE.
Me: Oh, you're a moron as well.
Me: How do we fix this?

Pride is evil.

Exactly, what's the difference between one and another VIRTUAL empty bottle? Right. Nothing at all.

Player2: How dare you call me a moron?
Player1: Yeah? ME TOO!! How dare you?
Me: . . .
Player2 AND 1: @#%$*@!!!! $&$#@~@$!!!
Me: That's not very nice.
Player2 AND 1: potapotapotapota!!

They started flaming me. The hell, that was embarrasing. And frustrating.

I felt like a big shit with flies eyeing me like I'm a juicy baked chicken. A stinky one. I was helpless.

I hate that word. Helpless.

First, I couldn't break their necks like what I could always do to my neighbor's duck back in the province. Second, those losers made fun of me. Who's the loser now, eh?

I wished I were a GM. Or anyone with powers.

I wished I could do something.

Anything.

I was angry. I was hurt. Emotionally. And mentally too, after hearing such arguement.

So that's where it all started. I wanted to become a hero.

[ThereSheGoes]

Oooh.. Getting better. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/happy.gif) Nice update /no1

[`raf_demonic]

cool! Anyway, if 2 people argue, just listen. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/wink.gif)

Nice update..

[Han Ji-eun]

nice update kuya!! common sense is really needed....an idiot makes someone not keep his temper...good thing you have patience...hehe

[Heathen]

Episode 2

I logged out, smashed my keyboard with a hammer, kicked an old lady with a dog along the way, and confided my problem to a special friend living three blocks away. Why to that friend?

Well, he does listen though he's basically an idiot too.

Anyway, my name is Charlie. Charlie. CHARLIE!! My parents should die for giving me such a sissy name.

So people, meet Pedro, my special friend.

Say "hi," and be nice.

Charlie: Man... I hope God would give me special powers.
Pedro: But that's impossible!
Charlie: Yes it is impossible.
Charlie: It's like teaching Arnold Schwarzenegger not to act like a dickhead in his movies.
Pedro: Yeah.
Pedro: Arnold Schwarzenegger is such a very good actor.
Charlie: Oh my God. I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

Pedro didn't help. I decided to hate him forever.

I felt so ashamed of myself confiding my problems to Pedro I already considered ending my life. Something can be done. Something must be done.

I sat for a while and thought. I remembered Shakey.

Shakey is a geeky dude from high school. He could tweak computer systems and make a miracle program out of a kilobit of information.

But I hated his guts.

So I kicked his balls so hard so he wouldn't have geeky children in the near future. He hates me, but he could help me. So we have to love each other. I immediately called him.

Charlie: SHAKEY!!
Shakey: Eh?
Charlie: It's me... your dear friend! Charlie!
Shakey: Charlie? The Charlie from high school?
Shakey: The one who kicked my balls to kingdom come?
Shakey: I had to loose 'em you know... *sniff sniff* But I want sex too.
Charlie: Still you can have sex...
Shakey: Of course! I had a sex change. *sniff sniff*


Sex change.

Oh is that right?

Uh... I didn't know Shakey became gay after graduation. Oh my God. My imaginations are betraying my sanity.

Anyway... Back to our conversation.

Charlie: Yes?! That's the Charlie you know. Shakey... I love you!!
Shakey: Uh? No.

*line dropped*

He hates me. Err... She hates me. But I must do something.

So I dialed his... err... her number again, hoping I could convince him... err... her.

Note: Shakey is a "she" now.

Charlie: PLEASE DON'T HANG UP.
Charlie: DON'T DROP THE PHONE. PLEASE!!
Shakey: Sorry I can't help you.
Charlie: Yes you can!! PLEASE....
Shakey: No.
Charlie: I will do anything, dude. Please...
Shakey: Let me think of that.
Shakey: Are you aware that you made me so sad? I lost my balls, you know.
Charlie: I'm sorry.

Man, I said I'm sorry. What else can I do???

Shakey: Alright. I can help you.
Charlie: YAY~!!

See? Apologies can fix everything. The police have no business in this world anymore.

Shakey: You have to make me happy first.
Shakey: Do you do macho dancing?


No.

I quickly dropped the phone and set it on fire. I brushed my mouth with all kinds of toothpastes too.

I decided to hate Shakey forever too. I am so glad s/he wouldn't be able to reproduce anytime soon because:

1) He can't bear babies.
2) He can't make anyone have babies.

Oh dear God. Where have all the sane people gone? There must be a way.

I have to have special powers. I will die for it. I am desperate and it's not good.

I'll get those stupid pRO players to hell and back, distribute their gears to the poor, and ban them for being morons. I will have my REVENGE!! I could feel it. Someone is going to help me. The help is near. I can sense it.

I will be the first real hero of Philippine Ragnarok Online. Eat that, GMs.

Eat that.

[`raf_demonic]

Whoa! Nice one! A rebel eh..(IMG:style_emoticons/default/wink.gif)

[FiSHCAKE!]

Heathen... YOU'RE A RIOT!

WOOOT!

[Parusa]

Yay~! Nice

[ThereSheGoes]

Eat that GMs. /gg

[Akodo Yuru]

panalo

[asintado08]

Eat that GMs. /gg

I really want to eat those GMs. *peace*

[Marinelle]

Reminds me of [GM]Dave!

Yay! (IMG:style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gif)

^0^ yeah, you're right! i was thinking about that while reading this.

[Heathen]

Episode 3

What makes someone a true hero?

One needs not die a horrible death or wear his underwear outside his pants while jumping from one building to another and saving hot chicks along the way.

Sometimes, all you need is a couple of high-powered computers. And common sense.

I refuse to write how I got myself into this but I'll give you a clue: I'm just smart and you are not. And I want to be the first hero of Philippine Ragnarok Online.

And this much I can tell you: I can do anything I want. You don't know what I mean? Let me show you.

Remember Players 1 and 2, those pricks who flamed me for an empty bottle?

These are logs that was seen in the dusty town of Morroc, April 30, 2004.

Player1: Why the hell is my inventory full of empty bottles?
Player1: Must check Kafra...

*after 30 seconds*

Player1: OMGEEEE SOMEONE HACKED ME!!
Player1: All I see are empty bottles! Everywhere!!

And far to the busy city of Prontera, a poor thief had a pub and was sitting there for about three hours already.

"S> Empty Bottles. I have MANY. 10z each."

Yes. I believe he needed to sell everyone of it to get back to the game and buy himself gears again.

Why? Ahem. I am the hero, people. I am the hero.

Where was I that time? I was having fun. Real fun.

I wanted to change my name to "Hero" but an unlucky Star Circle Quest fanboy has gotten that name already. Unlucky, not me.

After logging in my triple-passworded computer, I searched for this "Hero" dude and saw his data. His logs show that he usually plays in a cafe in Guadalupe, City of Makati. I changed his name to "FANBOY666."

In Glast Heim, a hunter was one-shooting zombies of all kinds.

The damage of his double strafe was 20,000. There were complaining bastards everywhere.

The hunter was a great dude. That's me, and my name is Hero.

[ThereSheGoes]

Hero (IMG:style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif) Nice update!

[`raf_demonic]

nice update..semi bitin nga lang.(IMG:style_emoticons/default/sad.gif)

[liureiyi]

wow this is cool!!!,.. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/cool.gif)

pls do continue,..

/no1

[asintado08]

I have a question to the author. Are you the character in the story or it is just your imagination?

[Heathen]

It's fiction.

First, I never had a hunter. Second...

I can do anything I want.

It's obviously my imagination. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)

[`duchess]

hehehe nakakatuwa...damihan mu pa ha

[Heathen]

Episode 4

I switched my character to a full-support priest and started giving full buffs to smart and not so smart people in GH. And when I say smart, they are the ones who talk less.

Relatively less than crazy bastards here and there screaming "HEAAAL PLZ!"

Then a PM.

fallenAngels: Hi poh.
Hero: Eh?
fallenAngels: pde po party?
Hero: Uh... sorry. I'm busy.
fallenAngels: sige na pohhh...
fallenAngels: pleeeaaaxxx

Three words: Oh. My. God.

If I say I am busy, you no longer have business bugging me. Don't even ask what I'm doing because I'll probably say I'm making out with your mom.

Hero: Uh I said I'm busy.
fallenAngels: kahit sandali lang pohh. plx.

I think I just repeated "I'm busy." Should I do that again? No. Once is enough.

I hate redundancy. It's a pathetic way to lose time.

Someone has to get barbeque sticks up her nose. I tried my best to be nice. But once more, I'm failing. That's it. I hear one more stupidity and this female hunter wearing a Pretend Murder on her head is history.

She's murdered.

Hero: Fine, I'll just finish doing your mom, I swear I'll do you too.
fallenAngels: Ok. =)

Three words again: Oh. My. God.

Did she just say "ok?"

I'll check the logs. Perhaps she said "I WILL KILL YOU HERO" but... No. She did say "Yes, screw me too."

I got my first fan. And she wants to have my baby. And my first fan is a screaming idiot. Someone has to get punished. No, I'm not screwing any idiots anytime in the near future.

She needs to go to a school. Any school. Badly.

First, she did not understand two simple words: "I'm busy."

Second, saying "Ok =)" after all I told her explains everything. They have no right playing any online computer game anymore. I needed more info.

Hero: Mate.
Hero: How old are you?
fallenAngels: 18 poh.

One word: Cool. Legal age, a little bit old for kindergarten. How about Mandaluyong Mental Institution? That will do.

Hero: Don't you think you should be back to kindergarten instead?
fallenAngels: Huh? Baket poh?
Hero: You're young. You don't talk like your age.
fallenAngels: Thank you poh.

Oh is that right? That's it. Something has to be done. Badly.

Hero: I have to send you back to kindergarten.
fallenAngels: Sa AMA na poh ako nag-aaral. =)
Hero: That explains it.
fallenAngels: Poh? =)
Hero: OMGEE. How about Kiddie Learning Center? KLC. Sounds nicer than AMA, don't you think?
fallenAngels: Pwede rin pohhh.

Her stupidity is overwhelming. I need to take a full scrub after this. Note that.

I logged in my triple-password protected PC. Search: "fallenAngels"

Data show a walking moron. Red Alert. Red Alert.

Gee, God prolly kicked this girl from heaven. Fits her name.

Twenty miles away from my work station, an AMA whatever-program-student playing RO instead of studying GMRC and English got a message in the middle of her screen.

"Disconnected from Server. Account terminated. Go to school instead and don't ruin your life pohh ok? Lovelots, Hero"

Well. I just did something good.

God loves me.

- - - - - - - - - - - -
note: no offense to mentioned schools please.

[ThereSheGoes]

Hilarious! Good one! (IMG:style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif)